So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
