i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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