his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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