my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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