Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
