im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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