so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
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She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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