in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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