i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
