i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
