I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
