i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
