oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
