I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
