oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
