i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
