just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
