If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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