My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
