fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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