All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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