Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
