a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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