Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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