There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Randomize
