So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
