we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
