M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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