It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
