So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
