I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
false alarm, still single
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
