My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
