I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
