So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
