Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
