My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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