sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We have so much sex to catch up on
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
