Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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