Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
