Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
