I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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