We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
