a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
