You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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