I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
