About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
