The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The Olympian is in my bed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
