My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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