do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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