I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
