I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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