People in love make me want to vomit
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
